YUAN FEN

DON’T TELL MY MOM I SAID THIS, but someone once told me — in the strictest of confidence — that my mother “fell in love every month” until she met and married my Dad. Having waited until I was “mature enough” to get married — only to get divorced a few years later — I guess I can understand how even my Mom could have enjoyed years of fickle feelings before having her heart set ablaze by my father. It seems like human nature, especially in the radically different context of relationships in the 21st century.

Of course, once Mom made a decision, that was that. There would be no looking back. Sixty-plus years later, Mom and Dad remained true to their vows. . .and very much in love until my father’s passing over fifteen years ago.

Many of our Moms and Dads — members of “the greatest generation” — have enjoyed similar longevity in matrimony. Today, though, with marriages lasting between 6-7 years on average, one must ask if the “Me Generation” is able to keep such a commitment.

This uneasy, chronic dissatisfaction is all around us. I was having dinner with a very successful, affluent, female medical doctor a few years ago when the conversation shifted to relationships. “What is it with men, “she asked, “and why is it that you are all unwilling to get married?” She outlined her experiences very directly, beginning with, “Men don’t want companionship; they want control,” before adding that “men won’t marry a powerful woman with a great career - especially if they make less money than a woman.” 

“Is it really that, Doctor,” I recall asking. “Is it that men are afraid of powerful women? Perhaps. Or is it that we live in this ‘Me’ centered universe, devoid of loyalty and unconditional love? Could it be that we live in an age where few have the patience, the tolerance, or capacity to forgive — like children forgive their parents on a weekly basis? Could it be that we are living our lives as if life is always greener on the other side of the mountain?”

As she contemplated my questions, she seemed conflicted and perplexed — and we went on like that for hours. Maybe something resonated with her, as 8-10 months later she reported back that she had indeed found her man, and was engaged to be married.

Thus, is there anything more beautiful — or maddening — than love? We see it portrayed in movies, television, books and magazines all of the time, of course, but while they do justice to the word in an imaginary, Hollywood-kind-of-a-way, do we really know what the reality of love is?

I wonder.

I must admit to you that I have cried at the line “You had me at ‘Hello,” (from the movie Jerry Maguire) every single time I’ve heard it spoken. I think it must touch some raw nerve of unfulfilled love within me. But is it ONLY because of ‘Hollywood magic’ that this takes place? Am I being manipulated by the cold orchestrated efforts of the media machine to go see the next Cameron Crowe movie? Again, perhaps.

Yet when this moment-of-awakening occurs, it highlights that those feelings within me, no matter how glorified or artificial they may appear in Hollywood, do indeed exist. Is it because Renee Zellweger’s character is so willing to accept Jerry Maguire, a man full of vanity and failures and flaws, at his lowest ebb?

If we are looking for love at all, that seems to be what keeps many of us in the game; believing that there is at least one perfect woman/man out there in the Universe. It is the unconditional, solid-as-a-rock notion that “I will stand beside you always…even when you are broken…” that keeps we humans coming back for more.

The Chinese have a concept called “Yuan Fen,” for which no direct translation exists in the English language. It is a visual, contextual combination of destiny, tried-and-true effort and, well, luck. Yuan Fen is a karmic phrase meant to illustrate the importance of fate and diligence in our lives. For a relationship to work, they say, one needs both “yuan,” the fateful, pre-destined meeting of a man and a woman that creates the possibility of lasting love — and the “fen,” the action of sharing and working toward fulfilling that destiny together.

I think it is a lovely concept. While yuan fen acknowledges the deeper meaning of events in our daily lives, it also highlights the need for shared energy and commitment to make “the dream come true.”

Therefore, there can be no “fen” without “yuan.” Without hard work - and perhaps a little luck - there can be no yuan fen. This, it would seem, is the part of the equation which alienates those of us in Western cultures, because let’s face it—if things get tough in relationships, most of us seem to cut-and-run. 

Our lack of commitment — our unwillingness to stand shoulder to shoulder during difficult times — is probably the simplest reflection of this life in the material age; this society built on instant gratification.

IT IS NOW NEARLY 29 YEARS since my first-and-only wife divorced. We definitely did not experience ‘yuan fen,’ but I love and admire her just the same. She was the bearer of many laughs - and many lessons. I am grateful to her.

As another Valentine’s Day arrives, I still believe the idea that fate, destiny and karma could deliver yuan fen some day, if it is meant to be. Some of you may think that my beliefs make me naïve. Maybe so .. but I believe that love will complete the circle. . .for all of us.

My prayer is that you will find your “yuan fen” as well, if that is truly what you seek. . .and that you will be willing to work for your blessings, like so many in “the greatest generation” did before us.

Happy Valentine’s Day. . .and peace to you all.

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